Incertitude

I wish I can hold on with my promise to myself: Do whatever that can make me fly.

Despite all the things that had put me through for the pass half a year, I think - I'm still capable to make changes to my way of life, don't I?

I wonder what I had done so far. Nothing seems to be done.

Results of my exams are doubtlessly -- weak.
Or a more appropriate description should be -- bleak.

Bleak result.
Bleak way of life.
Bleak me.

Somehow, I choose to live what I live now. There's no one or anything else I can put the blame on. Seeing seniors one by one, alarmed me with the one stronger than the other's result is just nothing but totally freak me out.

I'M FREAK OUT.

I thought, I'm just need some time to make the changes. All the negative side effects that I had during the first few months when I was sent to study in Shah Alam was something that are necessary for my state of transition. Sooner or later, I'll be fine. I'll be able to catch up, getting the results that I used to be familiar with, and that's how it should be ended.]

Then, I started to let go of myself. Whatever I hate, I'm doing it. I thought I will be fine. Whatever I'm doing it, I will find a way to overcome it.

I thought.

Things just don't always happened to whatever you think of it. Now I'm totally freak out.

I hate the feeling to get used to be the weakest.
I hate the feeling to be the one being comforted.
I hate the feeling to be helpless in whatever I'm doing now.

I HATE MYSELF.

I don't know is it too late for me to do anything, but I hope not. New sems going to start in January, and things are getting serious. Nerves are kicking in. There's really no more space for me to be over joyful, over confidence of myself. Really no more.

EVERYTHING IS COMING TO AN END.

I swear, I will cut down on my nightlife. No more frequent clubber. No more weekly alcoholic. Or in more specific term, no more at all.

TOTALLY CUT DOWN.

Wonder why I'm in the state of extremeness so much now? That's because I'm sick of the place I stick to now. I can't wait to change. I can't afford to risk my one and only chance to fly to Australia and perhaps, stay there for the rest of my life. Nothing could possibly stop me now. I want to fly.

NO, I MUST FLY.